existential angst

What does it mean to settle down? Will I ever settle down? Should I?

Everything that I know about human beings seems to suggest that I should, at least in the long run. But I don't want to. At least not now. I don't feel ready for it. Right now I would settle in Brussels. Right now I like Brussels, especially on warm summer days. But I can't help but feel this isn't where I should live forever. It seems like a good city to be young in, but not old: there's lots of young people from all over the world and its cheap, and fun.

But I can't help but feel its not really the place for me long term. So what am I doing here now? I'm not so young any more that I can just keep fooling around. I'm 28 already, and I don't even have a job. And that is more or less a direct result of playing around, and thinking of the present. I've never been much of a planner, and now its starting to catch up to me. Everything I do, I do it for the short to medium term, which is fine while you're young, but soon enough you have to have a real strategy.

Right now I feel like I'd like to live somewhere warm and sunny, but I can't just move somewhere warm and sunny can I? According to some philosophies, sure... But if I did, I'd be setting myself even further back financially (in all likelihood) and socially. I've had a lot of fun, but I can't help but feel I've left behind a lot of friends scattered around the world. The problem with Brussels is they're all liable to jet off at any moment. And that's fair, as so am I.

In some ways this is all cool, I like the idea of experiencing lots of different things, meeting new people, seeing new places. I wouldn't trade it, and I'd do it again. But it increasingly seems indulgent and a little bit entitled as I look back on it. Maybe I need to buckle down a bit and see how a long term stay treats me. I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years, and that was pretty fake since I went away in the summers. Other than that, I lived in Van for just over 2... Korea for 1 and a bit... And I miss both Vancouver and Korea, and Denmark and Halifax, and I'm sure I'd miss it here if I left.

And no matter what, I've left behind my family, wherever they are, scattered to the winds. I suppose they have all left me as well, and I will never live with all of my family again, I'm sure, but I can't help but feel it would be nicer if they were all closer. Somehow accessible. If I ever had kids would I want them to have the same experience as me?

Most of these things don't affect me on a day to day basis, but when I think about them cumulatively they have an effect, and if not now, they certainly will. I'm pretty adaptable, but that is maybe more dangerous because it means I don't notice how changing and unstable my life is, and maybe I should? It's like how people with low alcohol tolerance are much less likely to become alcoholics.